Bets, Beers, and Babes – Week of November 3rd, 2016

Sorry for the late addition, friends! Between the World Series getting over late, the Flyers winning in OT against the Wings, and the rest of my unnecessarily hectic day, I didn’t have time to finish off my post. I hope this gets to you before you stop looking for it.

You Bet Your Ass

Imagine being up 3 games to 1 in a do-or-die situation where everything matters and every mistake is magnified, scrutinized, and derided by everyone watching. That’s how I felt going into Monday night, when the bottom dropped out on my picks; or did I steal that narrative from the city of Cleveland? It looks like the sports gods are coming to collect recompense from the city of Cleveland once again. Oh and the Browns still started 0-8.

Only getting four of my six picks right again is a bit disheartening after starting the weekend off 4 – 1 again. The Vikings took a crap and had the port-o-potty door opened on them, exposing all of the things we knew in the back of our mind about Sam Bradford and the shallow offense. And now there’s upheaval after the resignation of Norv Turner. This was a team that started 5-0 and was projected for an NFC Championship game, but now it looks like Sam “the Coordinator Killer” Bradford is going to sink another offense. I should know better for next time. Sink the Vikings at this point.

Totals after my second week: 8-3. Still not bad, but I’d like to try and boost my ratio by adding some more Football picks. I don’t think I really honed in on good ones, and I figured that out after I was forced to add the Chiefs (-2.5) to a parlay with my Green Bay/Atlanta and Minnesota pick. I was kicking myself a bit for not hitting on that one sooner, because it was a bit of a stand-out game. So without further ado:

Panthers on the Hunt (Carolina -3 vs LAR)

Last week, Cam and his cats finally bounced back from what was looking like a horrendous downturn from the team they had a year ago. Coming off the BYE and delivering a decisive win (10 points with a cover of +7.5) to a listing Arizona team was a much needed boost to a very talented Panthers squad. It’s a slight line on Sunday, but since it opened, the line continues to move in Carolina’s favor. And though it may not be many times this year, when Carolina wins, they crush the spread. This team is trending upward.

Jet Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself (Jets +3.5 vs MIA)

I know, I know. We’re toeing the edge of sanity and leaning about 40 degrees over it with this one, but I believe that someone has to win this game. This one won’t end in a tie, natural disaster, or quarterback controversy. Yes, after almost gift wrapping the Cleveland Browns their first win in 11 games, the Jets don’t engender rock-solid confidence, but with Geno Smith on his athletic deathbed once again, Ryan Fitzpatrick will probably be able to stop whining for a bit to be able to prove he is the Jets’ best option as a placeholder for the next guy (read: Tony Romo). I like the Jets outright in the game, because they own Miami, winning 3 of the last 4 against the Dolphins and 4 of the last 5 on the road at Sun Life Stadium.

Lions, Vikings, and Bears. Oh My! (Lions +6 vs MIN)

As I said in my intro, sink the Vikings. As it stands right now, the rest of the Vikings schedule is a series of flip-flopping road and home games. After dropping a big one to the Bears on Monday night, they play host to a middling Detroit Lions teams who always seem to play spoiler. The line is a bit suspicious to me. It’s slightly wacky that they are still a 6-point favorite after a garbage offensive performance and having to quickly replace their offensive coordinator. I am not so sure about Detroit, because they’re mediocre and have yet to prove anything. I am at least taking the 6 here.

Some NBA Action (OKC/GSW Over 225.5 and OKC +11.5)

It’s time for that game that a lot of people are going to be paying attention to. Kevin Durant’s reunion with his former team, the Oklahoma City Thunder. This game is going to be a shootout as it usually is, so I like the game to go over. Then there is also the fact that the Golden State Warriors haven’t beaten the spread, but once. Not that there have been many games, but against OKC, in a game that has the intangibles to it, I like Oklahoma City getting points.


Six-Pack Selection

This week, there was no shortage of achievement in the sporting work. Two Championships, believe it or not, were had. One very near-and-dear to my heart and, ahh, yes, a 108-year-old drought was finally quenched. So crack a beer, and toast to these fine performers.

One Beer for Chicago Cubs leadoff hitter, Dexter Fowler. He may not have won MVP, but his work, three hits in five at-bats, and the tone-setting lead-off home run off Corey Kluber, was what the Cubs needed to secure the hardware. He gave the people, and Tim Culverhouse, exactly the kind of fort-to-fort cannon volley they wanted out of an historic Game 7.

Two Beers for the newly crowned 2016 World Series of Poker Main Event Champion, Qui Nguyen. As an avid and profitable poker player myself, I was locked into the two-day coverage on ESPN of the Final Table of this annual joust of degenerates. What shocked me about Qui Nguyen’s play at the Final Table was the sack behind it. Typically, the 9 players that make it this far are pretty patient and discerning with the way they navigate to the top of an $8 million prize, but Nguyen burnt the Book and threw it out the window along with his parachute. His moves were strong, unpredictable, and he’s about the set a minor fashion trend with the racoon hat he wore the entire time. His best move all game, by far, was a stone-cold bluff to win a 162 million chip pot. He wasn’t my pick to win, but the guy seriously tore it up and will be a force in the game of Poker.

Three Beers each for the entire World Series Champion Chicago Cubs. Congratulations! The curse is lifted and Bartman can finally sleep easy knowing he is probably off the hook. The Cubs deserve this one. They came into the playoffs as the best team in baseball and proved it in a way worthy of the history. Congratulations to Joe Maddon, Ben Zobrist, and the rest of the Chicago Boys in Blue.*

*…except you Aroldis Chapman. Fuck yourself.

Which brings me to this week’s Hangover; but no it is not the aforementioned scumbag of the tagged bags. Former Philadelphia Eagles WR Josh Huff, you deserve the raunchy, head-splitting hangover. Tuesday morning, Josh Huff was pulled over for speeding on the Walt Whitman Bridge between Philadelphia and Jersey, upon which time marijuana was discovered and the car subsequently searched. The recently cut wideout was found to be in possession of a 9mm handgun and some hollow points. Yes, hollow points. It may not come as a shock that I am not opposed to gun ownership in this country, but Huff had a flimsy explanation as to why his illegally held gun was in his car and loaded at the time. At least if you’re going to excercise your constitutional right to carry a handgun, do it in a responsible way. What sustains my irritation is this coming out after a brutal loss to the Cowboys and it’s just salt in that wound, plus the wound resulting from Josh Huff, and frankly most other Eagles’ wide receivers not being all that productive on the field. I’m not all that phased by him getting cut either. In fact, I would have done it in training camp. If the fan-generated idle speculation is to be considered, I hope he ends up in San Fran with Chip to sink that franchise some more.

A mild hangover on Aroldis Chapman: The reason for my venom for the Cubs closer should be obvious. But at this point, he’s served his suspension from Major League Baseball, and despite my feeling that he should just be erased from pro sports, like the Ray Rice’s and Josh Brown’s of the world, he will be immortalized on this Cub’s team. My current hangover on guys like Chapman is that it should be exceptionally uncomfortable to see your team have success and there’s that one lurking scumbag that’s going to be recognized as a part of it, despite what heinous things he did in the background.


Thursday’s Temptation

So in an effort to throw in a few of these that also happen to be topical, I present to you a woman who is now being lauded as “Instagram’s Hottest Teacher.” this is Patrice Brown.


Now, I find this woman attractive, for sure, but I think the internet is exploding over her (in more ways than one) because of the fact that she is an educator. Guys, just think back to when you first noticed when you had “the hot teacher.” This might be the oldest Fantasy in the book. Van Halen wrote that song with their adolescent brains before they were even thinking about being a bad. Most teenage boys do. I don’t know if I can qualify her has “Instagram’s Hottest Teacher,” but I’ve got to give it up to her. The sad part is, it appears the school board is going to fire her, citing inappropriate attire in the classroom and the like. I can’t argue that, but I have this feeling that that all comes as a result of the internet exploitation of her instagram. (Question: do I contribute to that by profiling it?)


Thanks for reading friends! Check out my previous posts, too. I’m also terrible on Twitter.


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